Učte se anglicky s vtipem 2

Vážení zákazníci,
dovolujeme si vás upozornit, že na tuto ukázku knihy se vztahují
autorská práva, tzv. copyright.
To znamená, že ukázka má sloužit výhradnì pro osobní potøebu
potenciálního kupujícího (aby ètenáø vidìl, jakým zpùsobem je titul
zpracován a mohl se také podle tohoto, jako jednoho z parametrù,
rozhodnout, zda titul koupí èi ne).
Z toho vyplývá, že není dovoleno tuto ukázku jakýmkoliv zpùsobem
dále šíøit, veøejnì èi neveøejnì napø. umisováním na datová média,
na jiné internetové stránky (ani prostøednictvím odkazù) apod.
redakce nakladatelství Viking
[email protected]
UČTE SE ANGLICKY
S
VTIPEM
2
JINDŘICH VOBOŘIL
a
Copyright © 2009 for the Czech edi�on by
Stanislav Plášil – nakladatelství VIKING
Copyright © 2009 for the Czech transla�on by
Jindřich Vobořil
Copyright © 2009 for the illustra�on
by Vojtěch I. Plášil
Všechna práva vyhrazena. Žádnou část této knihy
(český překlad) není dovoleno použít nebo jakýmkoli způsobem reprodukovat bez souhlasu autora
či nakladatele.
ISBN: 978-80-86538-10-5
CLUES FOR THE CROSSWORD
16
Solu�on: page 220
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17
2
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ACROSS
1. to be proper or appropriate for sth.
4. the state or quality of being calm, or tranquil
5. a strap for controlling a dog or other animal
9. a substance that is capable of flowing
10. to cause to grind or grate together
13. filled with sudden fright or horror
15. to become pregnant with sb.
18. to feel sorrow or remorse for sth.
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4
3
10
11
DOWN
2. easily seen or recognized; evident
3. having all the parts or elements
6. excrement, esp. of animals, used as fer�lizer
7. to thrust out the lips, esp. in displeasure
8. a mood of sulking anger
11. to throw lightly or carelessly
12. move quickly and irregularly from side to side
14. give informa�on of sth.
16. small cubes marked on each side with one to six spots
17. any ornaments for personal adornment
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8
12
9
13
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7
a
OBSAH
Křížovka
Úvod
Anglicko-česká část
Anglická část
Slovníček k anglické čás�
Použité zkratky
Osobní slovníček
Seznam nepravidelných sloves
5
7
9
85
187
187
217
221
a
Úvod
Dovolte, abych zopakoval pár myšlenek z úvodu minulé
knihy:
Proč se učit anglicky? Protože jinak jste v dnešním globalizovaném světě mrtví!
Proč se učit anglicky s v�py? Protože v�p je krátký, jednoduchý a má pointu: snadno si jej zapamatujete, a tudíž si zapamatujete nejen obdobnou situaci, ale i slova, která v ní lze
použít.
Nad vtipem se i dobře pobavíte – a pokud ne, pak buď nemáte pro takový humor smysl, anebo jste úplně nepochopili
anglický text. V tom případě Vám tato knížka určitě pomůže.
Takže co v ní najdete? Pokud jste knihou již listovali, zjis�li
jste, že text – anekdoty – je vlastně rozdělen na dvě poloviny.
První část (str. 12–83) je koncipována jako zrcadlový překlad:
anglič�na vlevo, češ�na vpravo. Rád bych upozornil, že nejde
o doslovný překlad. Ten by mohl leckdy působit těžkopádně,
mou snahou však bylo přeložit v�py tak, aby vyzněly dobře
i česky.
V textech druhé, pouze anglické čás� (str. 86–185) najdete
některá slova vy�štěná tučně. Jejich překlad je uveden
v anglicko-českém slovníčku na konci knihy (str. 188–216).
Snažil jsem se, aby nepřekládaná slovíčka odpovídala přibližně úrovni intermediate (středně pokročilý), zvýrazněná
slova tuto úroveň překračují.
Česko-anglickou část berte pouze jako „zahřívací“, myslím si
to�ž, že jednojazyčný text vybavený odpovídajícím slovníčkem je mnohem efek�vnější, čtenář si novou slovní zásobu
osvojuje přímo, bez zprostředkování leckdy problema�ckého překladu; anglickou anekdotu někdy opravdu nelze
přeložit, aniž by se pointa nevytra�la. Existuje i další důvod,
proč anekdoty nepřekládat. Říká se, že anekdoty jsou jenom
dvojí: slušné a dobré. Nelze se proto vyhnout textům
s explicitním výrazivem, jenže jak takové v�py přeložit? Češ�na i anglič�na v takových situacích používají úplně odlišné
obraty, což by bylo v překladech zavádějící. Jak říkával Jan
Werich – tam, kde Češi vyměšují, Anglosasové mužní.
Obraty používané typicky v daném kontextu jsem se snažil
zachovat i v češ�ně (kupř. Li�le Johnnyho jsem zaměnil za
našeho obligátního Pepíčka).
Za anglicko-českým slovníčkem jsou tři čisté stránky pro doplnění dalších slovíček, která případně nebudete znát a budete si je ch�t zapsat.
Na konci knihy je seznam nepravidelných sloves, která se
objevují v anglické čás�.
Opro� první knize jsem tuto doplnil o křížovku (str. 5). Slova
v ní použitá jsem vybral z nové slovní zásoby, již najdete ve
slovníčku. Zkuste si ji vyluš�t dřív, než si v�py této knihy
přečtete. Pokud byste některá slova zpočátku neznali, a křížovku tudíž nedokončili, po přečtení celého textu byste již
měli bez problému uspět. Pro jistotu jsem dodal řešení (str.
220).
Míry, váhy atd. jsou samozřejmě anglosaského původu a neupravoval jsem je. Jenom připomenu:
stopa (30,48 cm) se dělí na 12 palců (2,54 cm); 3 stopy jsou
1 yard (91,44 cm). Yard je pak 1/1760 míle (1609,4 m).
Jedna libra váží 454 gramů, takže 1 kg jsou 2,2 libry.
Příjemnou zábavu
Praha, září 2009
Jindřich Vobořil
ANGLICKO-ČESKÁ ČÁST
ANIMALS
ZVÍŘATA
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when
one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one.
“It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are
gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere – it’s so sanitary
that the whole place shines!”
“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m
ea�ng!”
Dva švábi si v uličce pochutnávali na odpadcích, když jeden
zavedl řeč na novou restauraci.
„Tak jsem byl v té nové restauraci na druhé straně ulice.
Ta je � tak čistá! Kuchyň naprosto bez poskvrny a bílé
podlahy se úplně lesknou. Nikde žádná špína – je to tam
tak hygienické a čisté, že celá ta restaurace doslova září!“
„Prosím,“ zamračil se druhý šváb znechuceně, „ne když
jím!“
ASTRONAUTS
KOSMONAUTÉ
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the na�onal
forests for this summer. They’re urging everyone to protect
themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear ac�vity, and
they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear
dung and Grizzy Bear dung. Black Bear dung is rather small
and round. Some�mes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel
fur in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.
When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said
“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Good
luck Mr. Goorski.”
For years, mission control tried to find what he meant
by “Good luck, Mr. Goorski.” They checked with Russian
astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Un�l now,
Neil would not reveal what he meant by “Good luck Mr.
Goorski.”
Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years
ago, when he was a young boy, he and his friend were
playing ball when his friend hit the ball under their neigh-
12
Ministerstvo lesnictví vydalo pro letošní léto varování před
zvýšeným výskytem medvědů v národních lesích. Naléhavě
žádá, aby se každý chránil �m, že bude mít u sebe zvoneček
a pepřový sprej. Táborníci by si měli dávat pozor na známky
nedávné medvědí ak�vity a měli by se naučit rozeznávat
rozdíly mezi trusem medvěda černého a grizzlyho. Trus
medvěda černého je poměrně nevelký a kulovitý. Někdy
v něm lze rozeznat ovocná semínka anebo veverčí srst.
V trusu grizzlyho bývají zvonečky a je cí�t pepřem.
Když Neil Armstrong poprvé vkročil na povrch Měsíce,
pronesl: „Je to malý krok pro člověka, ale obrovský skok
pro lidstvo. Hodně štěs�, pane Goorski.“
Celá léta se řídicí středisko pokoušelo zjis�t, co měl na
mysli �m „Hodně štěs�, pane Goorski.“ Zkontrolovali ruské
kosmonauty, ale žádného Goorského nedokázali najít. Neil
Armstrong doposud nechtěl odhalit, co tou větou vlastně
myslel.
Až při dnešní �skové konferenci novinářům sdělil, že před
mnoha lety si jako malý chlapec hrál s kamarádem s míčem
a kamarád ho zakopl k sousedům pod okno ložnice. Když
13
bor’s bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the
ball, he overheard his neighbor’s wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling
her husband, “ORAL SEX? I’LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN
THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”
si Neil pro míč šel, zaslechl sousedku, paní Goorskou, jak
říká manželovi: „COŽE? ORÁLNÍ SEX? ORÁLNÍ SEX ODE
MNE DOSTANEŠ, AŽ TEN KLUK OD VEDLE BUDE CHODIT
PO MĚSÍCI!“
BLACK AND NASTY
ČERNÝ HUMOR
During WW II a Bri�sh fighter pilot was shot down over
Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt
pre�y bad, so the German doctor amputated his le� arm.
He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.
The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked
the same thing. The Germans complied.
The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again
asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The
German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!”
The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “We
think you trying to escape!”
Během druhé světové války byl nad Německem sestřelen
britský s�hací pilot a padl do nacis�ckého zaje�. Byl velice
těžce zraněn, a tak mu německý lékař amputoval levou
paži. Brit požádal, aby ji shodili na jeho základnu v Anglii.
Němci mu vyhověli.
Následující týden mu amputovali i druhou paži a Brit
požádal o totéž. Němci mu i tentokrát vyšli vstříc.
Následující týden mu amputovali jednu nohu a pilot znovu
požádal, aby ji shodili na jeho základnu v Anglii. Německý
lékař zavrtěl hlavou: „Nein, my tochle už neuděláme!“ Když
chtěl pilot vědět proč, Němec odvě�l: „My myslíme, že vy
pokoušíte utéct!“
BLONDES
BLONDÝNKY
A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants
who were beau�ful, but they weren’t necessarily too
smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely
nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.
The host asked, “Who was the first man, for one thousand
dollars?”
She responded, “The first man was Peter, our postman, but
he only paid me one hundred dollars!”
Nové televizní soutěže v Hollywoodu se účastnilo mnoho
krasavic, u nichž přirozená inteligence nebyla nezbytnou
prioritou. V jednom z představení byla taková kráska mimořádně nervózní, přesto se však pokoušela projevit se v co nejlepším světle. Konferenciér se zeptal: „Kdo byl první muž,
za �síc dolarů?“
Soutěžící odpověděla: „Prvním mužem byl Petr, náš pošťák,
ale ten mi dal jenom sto dolarů!“
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience when
she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine un�l
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with
Blondýnka Anna málem přišla o život, když si šla zajezdit
na koni. Všechno šlo bez problémů, dokud kůň nezačal
nekontrolovatelně vyhazovat. Pokoušela se na něm vší
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all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when
things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in
the s�rrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the
ground. Her head con�nued to bounce harder as the horse
did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
the Tesco manager happened to walk by and unplug it.
silou udržet, kůň ji však shodil. A aby toho nebylo málo,
ve třmeni se jí zachy�la noha; v ten okamžik se poroučela
hlavou dolů. Kůň nepřestával poskakovat, natož aby
zpomalil, a Anna narážela hlavou o zem čím dál �m víc.
Když už se vzdávala veškeré naděje a ztrácela vědomí, šel
náhodou okolo manažer Teska a koně vypnul.
Two blondes are wai�ng at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up
and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and
asks the bus driver:
“Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”
The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twi�ers,
“Will it take ME?”
Dvě blondýnky čekají na autobusové zastávce. Když autobus
přijede a otevře dveře, jedna blondýnka se nakloní dovnitř
a ptá se řidiče:
„Doveze mě tenhle autobus na Pátou Avenue?“
Řidič zavr� hlavou: „Lituji, ale ne.“
Nato se dovnitř nakloní druhá blondýnka, usměje se a zašvitoří:
„A doveze tam MĚ?“
CHILDREN
DĚTI
A father came home from a long business trip to find his
son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have
cost $300,” he asked.
“Easy, Dad,” li�le Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on, Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth!” Johnny replied. “Every night you were
Otec se vrá� z dlouhé obchodní cesty a zjis�, že syn se prohání na novém horském kole.
„Kde jsi na takové kolo vzal peníze? To muselo stát nejmíň
300 dolarů!“
„Klídek, ta�,“ opáčil Pepíček, „Vydělal jsem si na něj procházkami.“
„Ale no tak, Pepíčku,“ zlobil se otec, „nevymýšlej si.“
„Je to pravda!“ ohradil se Pepíček. „Každý večer, když jsi byl
Coming through the door a�er school one day, Li�le
Johnny hollers out:
“Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that
I, Li�le Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool
of myself in sex-educa�on class by repea�ng stories
concerning storks as told to me by certain par�es residing
in this house!”
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Jednoho dne po škole vejde Pepíček a zakřičí:
„Tak hele, všichni v tomhle domě, vezměte prosím na
vědomí, že já, Pepíček, jsem dneska při hodině sexuální
výchovy ze sebe udělal úplného idiota, když jsem opakoval
pohádky o čápech a vránách, kterými mne krmily jisté
osoby přebývající v tomto domě!“
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gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see
Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
pryč, maminku navš�vil její šéf, pan Reynolds. A vždycky mi
dal 20 dolarů a řekl mi, abych se šel projít!“
At a wedding, a li�le boy looks at his mom and asks, “Mommy,
why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “That’s the bride and she is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is
the boy wearing black?”
Na svatbě se chlapeček podívá na maminku a ptá se:„Mami,
proč má ta holka na sobě bílé šaty?“
Maminka odpoví: „To je nevěsta a je v bílém, protože je
šťastná a tohle je nejšťastnější den jejího života.“
Chlapeček o tom chvíli přemýšlí a pak se zeptá: „A proč je
tedy ten kluk celý v černém?“
A father asked his son, Li�le Johnny, if he knew about the
birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Li�le Johnny replied, burs�ng into
tears.
Confused, his father asked Li�le Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus
at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at
eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t
really have sex, I’ve got nothing le� to believe in!”
Jednou se otec zeptal synka Pepíčka, jestli ví něco o tom,
jak to chodí mezi kvě�nami a motýly.
„Nechci nic vědět!“ rozplakal se Pepíček.
Zmatený otec chtěl vědět, co se děje.
„Ale, ta�,“ vzlykal Pepíček, „už od šes� pro mě neexistuje
Ježíšek, od sedmi žádný velikonoční zajíček a v osmi jsem
přišel o vílu Zubničku. A jestli mi teď chceš říct, že dospělí
vlastně vůbec neprovozují sex, tak už nezbývá nic, v co bych
mohl ještě věřit!“
Li�le Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently
rubbed cold cream on her face.
“Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?”
“To make myself beau�ful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later, she slowly began removing the cream
with a �ssue.
“What’s the ma�er?” asked Li�le Johnny. “Giving up?”
Pepíček uchváceně pozoroval, jak si matka jemně na tvář
nanáší chladivý pleťový krém.
„Proč si na obličej mažeš ten krém, mami?“
„Abych byla krásná,“ odvě�la matka.
Za několik minut si začala tamponem krém z tváře pomalu
s�rat.
„Copak?“ divil se Pepíček, „to už to vzdáváš?“
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his
house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
Celé týdny jeden šes�letý kluk vykládal své učitelce v první
třídě, že se mu má narodit nový sourozenec.
Jednoho dne mu maminka dovolila, aby jí sáhl na břicho a
ucí�l pohyby nenarozeného děťátka. To na klučinu očividně
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MERRY CHRISTMAS IN LEGAL TERMS
Please accept without obliga�on, expressed or implied,
these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially
responsible, low-stressed, non-addic�ve, and gender-neutral
celebra�on of the winter sols�ce holiday as prac�ced within
the most enjoyable tradi�ons of the religious persuasion of
your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular
persuasions and/or tradi�ons of others, or for their choice
not to prac�ce religious or secular tradi�ons at all) and
further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted
calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Chris�an
calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars
of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are
extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age,
physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer pla�orm,
or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
ŠŤÁSTNÉ A VESELÉ PO PRÁVNICKU
Přijměte prosím bez povinnos�, vyjádřené či mlčky předpokládané, přání všeho nejlepšího k ekologicky bezpečné,
společensky odpovědné, poklidné, nenávykové a pohlavně
neutrální oslavě zimního slunovratu prak�kované v rámci
nejradostnějších tradic náboženského přesvědčení dle Vašeho výběru (ale s ohledem na náboženské a/nebo světské
přesvědčení ostatních, popřípadě jejich volbu náboženské
či světské tradice vůbec nepraktikovat) a dále finančně
úspěšného, osobně naplněného a zdravotně nekomplikovaného počátku všeobecně přijímaného kalendářního roku
(včetně křesťanského kalendáře, nicméně neomezovaného
na pouze na něj, a nikoli bez náležité úcty ke zvoleným kalendářům ostatních kultur). Předcházející přání jsou vyslovována bez ohledu na rasu, přesvědčení, barvu, věk, tělesnou zdatnost, náboženskou víru, volbu počítačové pla�ormy či sexuální orientace příjemce/ů blahopřání.
MARRIAGE
MANŽELSTVÍ
Three weeks a�er her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a really
DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as
bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna. “But what am I going to do
with the BODY?!”
Tři týdny po svatbě zavolá Joanna rodinnému pastorovi.
„Reverende,“ pláče a běduje, „my jsme se s Johnem fakt
PŘÍŠERNĚ pohádali!“
„Uklidni se, mé dítě,“ utěšuje ji pastor. „Není to ani z poloviny tak zlé, jak se to teď může zdát. Každé manželství si
musí zažít svou první velkou hádku.“
„Já vím, já vím,“ na to Joanna, „ale co mám dělat s TĚLEM?!“
A husband and wife were at a party cha�ng with some
friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
Manželé si na večírku povídají s přáteli, když na přetřes
přijde téma, jak se zachovat v případě manželské krize.
The most effec�ve way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once.
36
Nejúčinnějším způsobem, jak si zapamatovat, kdy má vaše
žena narozeniny, je jednou na ně zapomenout.
37
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great
rela�onship,” the husband explained. “She was a communica�ons major in college and I majored in theatre arts.”
He con�nued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m
listening.”
„Něco takého my nikdy potřebovat nebudeme,“ prohlásil
manžel. „Máme se ženou skvělý vztah. Ona na vysoké
studovala hlavně komunikaci a já zase činoherectví.“ Po
chvíli pokračoval: „Ona skvěle komunikuje a já předs�rám,
že poslouchám.“
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces
away, no�ced that John was ever so slowly sliding down
his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. S�ll, Mary appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had
disappeared under the table.
A�er the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, “Oh, no.
He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door.”
John a Mary večeřeli ve velmi dobré restauraci. Vtom si
jejich číšnice, která zrovna přijímala objednávku o několik
stolů opodál, všimla, že John se zvolna sesouvá ze židle pod
stůl. Mary však jedla klidně dál, jako by se nic nestalo. John
nakonec zmizel celý pod stolem; Mary bez jediné známky
překvapení pokračovala ve večeři.
Servírka přijala objednávku, hned nato přišla k Maryinu
stolu a zašeptala: „Promiňte, madam, ale mám pocit, že váš
manžel právě sklouzl pod stůl.“
Mary nehnula ani brvou a pevným hlasem odpověděla: „Ale
kdepak. Vlastně, abych řekla pravdu, právě vešel hlavními
dveřmi.“
Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he finally came to, he mo�oned for
her to come closer.
As she sat on the bed beside him he said, “You know what?
You’ve been with me through all the bad �mes. When I got
fired, you were there to comfort me. When I went bankrupt
and lost my business, you stood by me. When I got shot by a
burglar, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
were there to support me. Even though my health started
failing, you were s�ll by my side... Now that I think about it,
it sure looks to me like you bring me bad luck...”
Žena dnem i nocí seděla u lože manžela, který byl několik
měsíců v kómatu. Když se konečně probudil, pokynul jí, aby
si k němu přisedla blíž.
„Bylas se mnou vždycky, když se mi nedařilo. Když mě vyhodili z práce, bylas u mě a utěšovala mě. Když jsem zkrachoval
a přišel o všechno, stálas vedle mne. Bylas po mém boku,
když mne u nás doma postřelil lupič. Když jsme přišli o střechu nad hlavou, bylas u mě a podržela mě. Dokonce když
se mi začalo zhoršovat zdraví, měl jsem tě stále po svém
boku...
Když o tom všem přemýšlím, tak víš, co mne napadá? Že mi
nosíš smůlu...“
38
39
The young woman approached the execu�ve in front of his
office and said, “Please, sir, give to take a wayward girl off
the street.”
“And how much do you suggest I give?” he asked.
“It depends,” she smiled, “en�rely on how long you want to
keep her off of it.”
K mladému manažerovi před jeho úřadem zamířila mladá
žena: „Prosím, pane, dejte něco jedné svéhlavičce, abyste
ji dostal z ulice.“
„A kolik navrhujete, abych dal?“ otázal se.
Dívka se usmála: „To záleží jen a jen na tom, na jak dlouho
ji z ulice chcete dostat.“
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local
hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept
screaming “Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be
pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts
and he got a hole-in-one. Wan�ng to impress the clients,
he said: “Fujifoo!”
The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got
the right hole.”
Americký byznysmen si v Japonsku zapla�l šlapku a celou
noc si s ní užíval. Dívka nepřestávala křičet „Fujifoo!!! Fujifoo!!!“, což chlápek považoval za hlasitý projev rozkoše.
Následujícího dne hrál golf se svými japonskými protějšky
a podařilo se mu odpálit míček do jamky na jednu ránu. Ve
snaze udělat na své klienty dojem zakřičel: „Fujifoo!“
Japonš� klien� se zatvářili zmateně a zavrtěli hlavami: „Ale
ne, trefil jste se do správné jamky.“
WOMEN
ŽENY
Melba: “My husband was named Man of the Year!”
Pam: “Well, that shows you what kind of year it’s been.”
Melba: „Můj manžel byl vyhlášen Mužem roku!“
Pam: „No, to alespoň ukazuje, co to bylo za rok.“
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day,
she had a heart a�ack and was taken to Cedars Sinai
hospital. While on the opera�ng table, she had a near-
Shirley z Beverly Hills prodělala infarkt a byla odvezena do
nemocnice Cedars-Sinai. Při operaci prošla klinickou smr�.
Spatřila Boha a zeptala se: „Tak to je ono?“
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on
her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And, of course, stay at
home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all
you want, get a TV!”
72
V místní kavárně vykládala mladá žena přítelkyním, jak by
podle ní měl vypadat dokonalý partner.
„Muž, kterého si vezmu, musí ve společnos� úplně zářit.
Musí být muzikální, musí umět vyprávět anekdoty, zpívat...
a samozřejmě musí v noci zůstávat doma!“
Zaslechla ji postarší dáma a ta se k ní obrá�la: „Drahoušku,
jestli je tohle všechno, co chcete, tak si pořiďte televizi!“
73
death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?”
God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and
have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face li�, liposuc�on
and breast augmenta�on. She even had someone dye her
hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she
might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby a�er the last opera�on and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the
hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought
you said I had another 30 to 40 years?”
God replied, “Shirley?! I’m so sorry but I didn’t recognize
you!”
„Ale ne,“ uklidnil ji Pán Bůh, „máš před sebou ještě 30–40
let života.“
Když se Shirley zotavila, rozhodla se v nemocnici rovnou
zůstat a nechala si dát kolagenové injekce, lícní implantáty,
prodělala celkovou plastickou operaci tváře, nechala si odsát tuk, zvětšit prsa a nabarvit vlasy. Když má před sebou
ještě dalších 30–40 let, tak si to přece pěkně užije!
Když po posledním zákroku vycházela z ves�bulu, přejela ji
sanitka spěchající do nemocnice. Předstoupila před Boha
a postěžovala si: „Já měla za to, že jsi mi slíbil ještě dalších
30–40 let života!“
Bůh se zarazil: „Shirley?! Moc se omlouvám, ale já tě vážně
nepoznal!“
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said,
“You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end
an argument is to make love.”
“Well,” said the other woman,” that will certainly revolu�onize the game of hockey!”
V baru seděly dvě ženy. Jedna se podívala na druhou a
řekla: „Víte, že 80 procent mužů si myslí, že nejlepší způsob,
jak ukončit hádku, je pomilovat se?“
„No,“ potřásla hlavou druhá, „tak to v hokeji určitě způsobí
převrat!“
WHAT’S IMPORTANT?
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respec�ul
and doesn’t lie.
4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who
loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
CO JE DŮLEŽITÉ?
1. Je důležité najít muže, který se stará o dům, sem tam něco
ukuch� a uklidí a má trvalé zaměstnání.
2. Je důležité najít muže, který vás dokáže rozesmát.
3. Je důležité najít muže, který je spolehlivý, zdvořilý a nikdy
nelže.
4. Je důležité najít muže, který je dobrý v posteli a který se
s vámi strašně rád miluje.
5. Je důležité, aby se �to čtyři muži nikdy nepotkali.
WORK
PRÁCE
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
74
Chybovat je lidské. Odpouštět – to není naše zásada.
75
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
Pokud jste dobří, navalí na vás veškerou práci. Pokud jste
opravdu dobří, tak se z ní vyvléknete.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t
be promoted.
Nebuďte nenahraditelní. Pokud nemůžete být nahrazeni,
nemůžete být povýšeni.
It doesn’t ma�er what you do, it only ma�ers what you say
you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
Nezáleží na tom, co děláš, záleží pouze na tom, co říkáš, že
jsi udělal a co že se udělat chystáš.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
a clipboard.
Můžete jít, kamkoli chcete, pokud vypadáte důležitě a nesete clipboard.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Pokud nemáte co dělat, choďte rychle sem a tam a vypadejte
ustaraně.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Ge�ng the job done is no excuse for not following the
rules.
Dodržováním pravidel se práce neudělá.
Udělaná práce není žádnou omluvou za nedodržování pravidel.
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense
company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says,
“You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So please don’t trouble any of the other employees.” The
cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, “You’re all
working very hard, and I’m very sa�sfied with all of you.
However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of
you know what happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
A�er the boss has le�, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, “Which of you idiots ate the janitor?”
Do zbrojní firmy je na post inženýrů přijato pět kanibalů.
Ředitel je uvítal a povídá: „Teď jste součás� našeho týmu,
máte příležitost si tu vydělat pěkné peníze a je vám k dispozici i naše jídelna, kde si můžete něco zakousnout. Tak vás
jenom prosím, abyste nepůsobili po�že ostatním zaměstnancům.“ Což kanibalové svorně slíbili.
Po čtyřech týdnech se u nich ředitel opět objevil: „Všichni
tvrdě pracujete a já jsem s vámi všemi velmi spokojen.
Ale zmizel nám jeden vrátný, neví nikdo z vás, co se s ním
stalo?“
Všichni kanibalové zavrtěli hlavou, že ne.
Jakmile ředitel odešel, náčelník kanibalů se na zbývající
obořil: „Který z vás, vy idio�, snědl vrátného?“
76
77
a
ANGLICKÁ ČÁST
ANIMALS
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are
swimming happily through the ocean when they come
upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, “Hey, I’ve got
a great idea! Let’s swim up under that boat and blow out
really hard through our blowholes!”
Monica says, “Oh, I don’t know...”
“Come on, it’ll be fun, come on, just this once!”, says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow
out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the
briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, “Wow,
that was fun, wasn’t it? Hey! I’ve got another idea! Let’s
swim back there and eat all the sailors!”
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, “Look, I agreed to
the blow job, but I’m not swallowing any seamen.”
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young
people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twen�es
and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys
be�er be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment;
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion
starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half
way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beau�ful
naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her ankles. He con�nues to lick her
calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, “I’ve
86
never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to
the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”
The young man replies, “No problem, just get that lion out
of the way.”
A li�le girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?” Mom says, “No, because the dog
is in heat.” “What does that mean?” asked the child. “Go
ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”
The li�le girl went to the garage and asked, “Dad, may I take
Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Susie over here.” He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear-end with it and
said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and
only go one �me around the block.” The li�le girl le�, and
returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, “Where is Susie?”
The li�le girl said, “She will be here in a minute, she ran
out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog
is pushing her home.”
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep
her company at home. She decided she would like to find a
beau�ful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog,
and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spo�ed a large
beau�ful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and
asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beau�ful bird wasn’t
more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at
her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
87
to live in a whorehouse. Some�mes it says pre�y vulgar
stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The
petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She
hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then
at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implica�on, but then
thought, “That’s not so bad.”
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters
returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new
whores.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but
then began to laugh about the situa�on. A couple of hours
later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The
bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam,
new whores. Hi George!”
BLACK AND NASTY
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost
his cigare�es.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
“No sense pulling up the en�re floor for one pack of smokes,”
he said to himself. He got out his hammer and fla�ened the
hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said,
handing him his pack of cigare�es. “I found them in the
hallway.”
“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”
88
BLONDES
Two bored casino dealers were wai�ng at a craps table.
A very a�rac�ve blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier
when I’m completely nude.”
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!”
Then she hollered, “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the
dealers. With that she picked up all the money and
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I thought YOU were watching!”
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kinds. Yesterday,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole
year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that
I’m automa�cally stupid. So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year… namely, that in
just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
“Helllooooo?” (I told him) “It’s been a year!”
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so finally I just hung up… He hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about forge�ng the guarantee they made me. Bet
he won’t underes�mate a blonde anymore. Yeah.
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brune�e,
89
ENGLISH
The European Commission have just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of
the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the nego�a�ons, Her Majesty’s government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that
would be known as “EuroEnglish”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the so� “c”. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”. This should
klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less le�er.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with the
“f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the
removal of double le�ers, which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”’s in the
language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be resep�v to steps such as
replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from
vords kontaiining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombina�ons of leters.
A�er zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil
be no mor trubls or difikul�s and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
108
A li�le girl came running into the house crying her eyes out
and cradling her hand.
“Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.”
Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother
obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The li�le girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“Ouch! It s�ll hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” whined the
li�le one.
“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
“Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets
a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider!”
A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room.
“Congratula�ons on your wedding!” the clerk says. “Would
you like the bridal, then?”
“Naw, thanks,” says the cowboy. “I’ll just hold her by the
ears �ll she gets the hang of it.”
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a
lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
“Congratula�ons,” says the nurse to the new parents. “How
will you name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “I
think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.”
FOOD
NEW RULES FOR DIETING
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
109
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each
other out.
3. When ea�ng with someone else, calories don’t count if
you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories.
This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee
cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply
because they are a part of the entertainment experience
and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not
limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with bu�er, Junior Mints,
Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of
breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and
get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas par�es has 0 calories, by the
courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
HEAVEN
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is
third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a muchneeded break, so an angel is admi�ng the newly arrived
to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many
drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak
into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a li�le stricter with
the screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupa�on and
tell his or her yearly salary.
110
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1
million last year.”
The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the
woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, “I earned $150,000 as an a�orney.” The angel
thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you
done with your life?”
The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year...”
“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
JEWS
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned
out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. “I brought him up
in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me
a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Chris�an. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you,
I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through
University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and
tells me he has decided to become a Chris�an.”
“What did you do?” asked the lawyer.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“And what did he say?”
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for
the men’s room. It’s crowded but he finds a vacant urinal
to gain relief a�er the long flight and a�er having many
drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, “You’re Jewish?”
“Yes.”
111
“You come from Sudbury?”
“Yes.”
“Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?”
“Yes,” he says. “But I don’t think I know you. How do you
know so much about me?”
The man next to him replies, “Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions
by cu�ng at an angle and you’re peeing on my shoe!”
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her
parents. A�er dinner, her mother tells her father to find
out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to
his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter
to live in as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide
for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beau�ful engagement ring
such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies,
“and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you support children?” asks the father.
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.
The conversa�on proceeds like this, and each �me the
father ques�ons, the young idealist insists that God will
provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the
good news is he thinks I’m God.”
112
LAWYERS AND OTHER SPECIALISTS
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return
to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he
wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he
answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same ques�on.
He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my
family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the
advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was
a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer
asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1
million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
Experienced economist and not so experienced economist
are walking down the road. They come across some shit
lying on the asphalt. Experienced economist, “If you eat it
I’ll give you $20,000!”
Not so experienced economist runs his op�miza�on problem
and figures out he’s be�er off ea�ng it so he does and
collects money.
Con�nuing along the same road they almost step into yet
another shit. Not so experienced economist, “Now, if YOU
eat this shit I’ll give YOU $20,000.”
A�er evalua�ng the proposal, experienced economist eats
shit ge�ng the money.
They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking,
“Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had
113
couldn’t ask for a be�er man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family.” The moral of this story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR
CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR.
George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in
a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand
on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he
couldn’t resist insul�ng Max McTavish, the bald man who
had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max’s bald head
and said sarcas�cally, “Your head feels just like my wife’s
arse.”
Max put a hand to his head and said, “By crikey, mate.
You’re right. It does!”
MEN AND WOMEN
WOMAN’S QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
un�l they mature into something with which you’d like to
have dinner with.”
MEN’S COUNTER-QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity
and intoxica�ng to the mind and then turn full-bodied
with age un�l they go all sour and vinegary and give you a
headache.”
Female comebacks
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
128
Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.”
Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.”
Man: “So, what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”
Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not enter.”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfer�lized.”
Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
Woman: “If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”
Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “But would you stay there?”
THE PERFECT STORY
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. A�er
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was
driving along a winding road when they no�ced someone
at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
129
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wan�ng to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving condi�ons deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the
survivor?
The perfect woman.
She’s the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
A Male’s Response:
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was a car accident.
There is a new study out about women. I thought these
results were pre�y interes�ng.
85 % of women think their ass has grown too big since
ge�ng married.
10 % of women think their ass is just as big as it was when
they got married.
The other 5 % say that they don’t care, they love him and
would have married him anyway.
A�er years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in
bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, “Ole, have
you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?”
“Not even once!” exclaimed Ole. “Lena, have you ever been
unfaithful?”
130
“Well, er, yes – but only three �mes,” she admi�ed somewhat embarrassed.
“Hmmm, three �mes?” ques�oned Ole. “That’s not so
bad. Do you remember those three �mes? Can you tell me
when?”
“Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build
the store and you had a hard �me ge�ng approval from
the City Council?” asked Lena. “That was the first �me.”
“And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addi�on, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?”
she asked. “That was the second �me.”
“OK, Lena, when was the third �me?” queried Ole.
“The third �me was...” Lena paused. “Do you remember
when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?”
Husband and wife are ge�ng all snugly in bed. The passion
is hea�ng up.
But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just
want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “WHAT???”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her
emo�onal needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen
tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big
department store. He walks around and had her try on
three very expensive ou�its. And then tells his wife, “We’ll
take all three of them.” Then goes over and gets matching
shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set
of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her
131
Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane.
Good specimens are able to produce large quan��es on
command.
Cau�on: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
SEX
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a pros�tute,
TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve
got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do,” says the man. “Twice a day!”
A gay homosexual, a�er years of hiding it, finally decides
he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents.
He went over to their house and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell
you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the
guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him,
when she turned away from the pot she was s�rring and
said calmly, “You’re gay – doesn’t that mean you put other
men’s penises in your mouth?”
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to s�rring the pot, then suddenly
whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon
and said, “Do not you EVER complain about my cooking
again!”
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when
he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife
was wai�ng with a long cool drink and a roman�c candle-lit
dinner, a�er which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the
vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.
“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch
of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise ma�ng
and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
pa�ently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re
wanted on the phone.”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”
“Should do,” said the vet, “– IT STOPPED ME!”
This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor
you’ve go�a help me. I just can’t stop having sex!”
“Well how o�en do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,”
he answers back.
“That’s not so much,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my
secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
A drunk says to the bartender, “I want a woman!” So,
the bartender gives him direc�ons to the local brothel.
The customer was so drunk, he misreads the direc�ons
and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The
recep�onist at the counter asks, “Can I help you?”
“Yes, I want some service,” states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examina�on rooms and tells
him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places
158
159
his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes
in, the startled podiatrist sees the man’s member on the
table and she says, “That’s not a foot!”
The drunk replies, “Give it �me, lady, give it �me.”
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who
accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensi�ve
about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have
him. In fact, he couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée
about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor
when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the
�me and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got
a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled
bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple
were at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget,
Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s
hand on the stump.
“Hmmmmm,” she said so�ly, “that IS a surprise. But pass
me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!”
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. A�er
the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the
director that he will be no�fied when the movie is released
to the public.
Three months later, he receives a no�ce that the movie
will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The
musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and
shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last
row next to an elderly couple.
160
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end
a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to
the elderly couple and whispers, “I wrote the score and
I just came to hear the music,” to which the elderly woman
whispers in reply, “We just came to see our dog.”
A�er watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, “How come you
never make love to me like that?”
“Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they
pay those people to do that?”
There was a man who really took care of his body. He li�ed
weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he
looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and no�ced that
he was suntanned all over with the excep�on of his penis.
So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried
himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he le�
s�cking out of the sand.
A bit later, two li�le old ladies came strolling along the
beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing
the thing s�cking out of the sand, the lady with the cane
began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other li�le old lady, she said, “There
really is no jus�ce in the world.”
The other li�le old lady asked, “What do you mean by
that?”
The first li�le old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was
20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
161
8 ball n
30 round clip n
A
abuse n
abuzz adj
accidentally adv
accountable adj
*be accustomed to st adj
accessories n
achieve v
addi�on n
adequacy n
adjust v
admirable adj
admit v
advantage n
affinity n
aghast adj
agitated adj
ail v
aim v
aitken’s bu�ery n
al�tude n
amazed adj
amazement n
anal reten�ve adj
anguish n
animated adj
anthem n
an�cipa�on n
antlers n
anxious adj
applicant n
approach v
approval n
188
osmina unce, tj. cca 3,5 gramu
zásobník na 30 nábojů
urážky, nadávky
vzrušený, plný vzrušení
náhodně, (nešťastnou) náhodou
zodpovědný
být zvyklý na co
doplňky, příslušenství
dosáhnout
1. nástavba 2. přírůstek, dodatek
přiměřenost
nastavit, napravit
obdivuhodný, velkolepý
1. připus�t 2. vpus�t
výhoda, užitek
1. slučivost 2. záliba, sklon
zděšený, užaslý
nervózní, rozčilený
bolet, trápit, sužovat
zamířit
skotské máslové pečivo
výška
ohromený, užaslý
úžas, ohromení, údiv
pedan�cky hnidopišský
újma, muka, trýzeň
čilý, živý, vášnivý
hymna
naděje, tušení, očekávání
parohy, paroží
1. plný úzkos� 2. dych�vý
žadatel, uchazeč
přistoupit; blížit se
souhlas; kolaudace
approximately adv
arrangement n
ass n
assault v
asshole n
assume v
astonished adj
astounded adj
at random phr
a�end v
a�en�ve adj
a�c n
a�tude n
a�orney n
audience n
autoland n
average n
avoid v
award v
awful adj
B
backorder n
bait n
balance n
bang away v
banister n
bar n
bare v
barely adv
bar mitzvah n
bark v
barrage n
bathtub n
přibližně
uspořádání, ujednání
1. osel 2. prdel 3. hlupák
napadnout, zaútočit
vulg. 1. řiť 2. otrava, pro�va
předpokládat
užaslý, udivený
ohromený
namátkou, naslepo
navš�vit, účastnit se
pozorný, ochotný
podkroví
postoj, názor
advokát, právník
posluchači, publikum
automa�cký přistávací systém
průměr
vyhnout se
odměnit, ocenit
strašný, hrozný, děsný
objednávka v evidenci rezervací
návnada
zbytek; váha
zuřivě šukat
zábradlí
tyč, žerď; závora; překážka
obnažit
sotva, tak tak
obřad, při němž je židovský chlapec přijat mezi dospělé
štěkat
příval
vana
189
*be up to phr
1. mít chuť do čeho 2. mít něco
za lubem
beagle n
bígl – malý stavěcí pes
*beat a dead horse id
mlá�t prázdnou slámu
*beat the living shit out of sb vymlá�t z koho duši
*beat out v
vyřadit koho ze soutěže
befit v
hodit se k, patřit, být vhodný
behave v
chovat se
bellow v
hřmět, dunět
belongings n
osobní majetek, věci
bench n
1. lavička 2. soudní stolice
beneficiary n
příjemce dávek
bes�ality n
1. sodomie 2. zvěrstvo
be be�er off phr
dařit se lépe
bewitching adj
okouzlující, uhrančivý
big shot phr
důležitá nebo vlivná osoba
bigoted adj
bigotní, fana�cký
bill v
účtovat
BIOS n (Basic Input-Output realizuje základní vstupněSystem)
výstupní funkce pro počítače
black hole n
černá díra v kosmu
blank adj
bezvýrazný, zaražený
blame v
vyčítat, dávat (svádět) vinu
blink v
1. mrkat 2. blikat
bloated adj
oteklý, napuchlý
bloodshot adj
překrvený, krvý podlitý
*blow a cover phr
odhalit totožnost
blow job n
vulg. orální sex muži (kuřba)
blur n
nezřetelná, rozmazaná čmouha
blurt out v
vyhrknout
blush v
červenat se, rdít se, pýřit se
bond v
vázat se, spojovat
bogus n
falešný, předs�raný
bondage n
bandáž, ero�cké svazování
booth n
stánek
190
bouncy adj
živý, čilý
bowl n
mísa, miska
brand new adj
zbrusu nový
breakdown n
selhání, rozklad, zhroucení
*break out v
vybuchnout, explodovat
breathless adj
bezdechý, napjatý
*breed v
1. zrodit 2. přinášet s sebou
bridal n, adj [braidl]
svatba, svatební
podobně [braidl] bridle n uzda
bride n
nevěsta
bright eyed and bushy tailed phr veselý a v dobré náladě
*bring up v
vychovat, vychovávat
briny n
moře
broom n
koště
bruise n
modřina, podli�na
brush down v
smést, okartáčovat
buddy n
kamarád, kámoš
budget n
rozpočet
buff n
nadšenec
bug warning n
varování na chybu programu
bulge n
boule, zduření
bump n
hrbolek
bunch n
hromada, hodně
bundle n
hromádka
bunk v
jít si lehnout
burden v
ob�žit, naložit
burly adj
statný, urostlý
*burst out crying phr
propuknout v pláč
bu� n
zadek, zadnice, prdelka
by the courtesy of phr
s laskavým svolením (koho)
C
cache n
cage n
calf n
vyrovnávací paměť počítače
klec
lýtko
191