MAN CANNOT LIVE ON BREAD CRUST ALONE

THE TEXT
MAN CANNOT LIVE ON BREAD CRUST ALONE
Every few years there comes a seminal event in the American experience. A trained eye
clearly sees one more nail being hammered into the coffin of American culture, if there
ever was such a treasure. One of these breakthrough moments took place last week in
Chicago, at the headquarters of the Sara Lee company. Executives there announced that
they will be coming out with a Crustless Bread product.
Apparently answering the requests of
your jelly sandwich on machine-decrusted
soccer moms across the land, Sara Lee
white bread! My little boy is made of solid
wants to take over the most difficult chore
iron!"
of homemakers' duties -- that of cutting the
crusts off of white bread their little brats
whine about.
Dear readers, you will do this country a
great service by not only not buying so
much as one slice of this bread, but also by
Yes, Crustless Bread is being manufactured
laughing in the face of any person you may
at a bakery in Paris, Texas. Here, somewhat
see buying or consuming this product.
larger than normal white bread is baked,
Throw a can of Crystal Pepsi at them!
allowed to cool for an extra hour or so, then
sent to a "decrusting room". In a special
VOCABULARY
exemption, so that Sara Lee's executives do
seminal event -- novátorská (budoucnost
předznamenávající) událost
coffin -- rakev
treasure -- poklad
breakthrough -- průlom (zásadní krok)
headquarters -- sídlo, ústředí
crustless -- bez kůrky
apparently -- podle všeho
soccer mom -- typické americké maminy
take over -- převzít funkci/velení
chore -- domácí práce
brat -- spratek
whine -- naříkat, stěžovat si
somewhat -- poněkud
exemption -- zproštění, osvobození od
executives -- vedoucí pracovníci
thankfully -- díkybohu
croutons and bread crumbs -- chleba do
polévky a strouhanka
malnourish -- špatně živit
on a regular basis -- pravidelně
roll out a product -- vrhnout na trh nějaký
výrobek
spoiled kids -- rozmazlené děcka
object to st -- namítat proti
pathetic -- směšný, zoufalý
fork over money -- vyklopit prachy
downright objectionable -- naprosto
nežádoucí
brand name -- značka (značkové jméno)
loaf and slice -- bochník a krajíc
not go straight to Hell, the crust by-product
is thankfully used to make croutons and
bread crumbs.
How sad is it that children in Afghanistan,
or the Sudan, or even in East St. Louis likely
are malnourished on a regular basis, while
Sara Lee rolls out a product made especially
for spoiled kids who object to the taste of
bread crust? How pathetic is it that there
will surely be plenty of American moms
who will fork over an extra 75 cents a loaf
for
this
specialty
bread?
And,
how
downright objectionable is it that this
Crustless Bread will be marketed under the
"IronKids" brand name?
"Yes, Trevor, you're my 'Iron Kid'. So tough
as nails! Mommy is so proud of you, eating
CNBW READING ROOM / SMALL BLACK BEETLES / HOW WEIRD CAN YOU GET
CRUSTLESS BREAD
MAN CANNOT LIVE ON BREAD CRUST ALONE